


Snogging Is Another Simple Concept Trolls Do Not Understand

by Sniperdoodle



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Day Care, F/F, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Post-Game AU, life - Freeform, police force
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-23
Updated: 2014-03-28
Packaged: 2018-01-13 12:54:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1227100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sniperdoodle/pseuds/Sniperdoodle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After he game, the surviving players are returned to Earth and try to continue on with their normal lives. Nine years later, everyone is going around their normal lives, with normal jobs, and somewhat normal inter-species homo relationships (excluding John who hasn't started an inter-species hetero relationship yet). Well, until Vriska comes back to life. </p>
<p>In this story, Dave operates his own Day Care, Karkat and Terezi are police officers, Kanaya owns her own fashion boutique, Rose is an author, Jade is a vet, John is a comedian until he runs out of cash, and the Mayor helps Dave at Day Care.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Suddenly an Unexpected Undead Spider Troll

**Author's Note:**

> This was going to be a series with each chapter a separate piece, but I changed my mind. I deleted what would be the first chapter and then put it here so all the long stories would be compacted into one story with long chapters. Sorry for the confusion if there was any. 
> 
> Also, if anyone cares, here's my Tumblr: http://sniperdoodle.tumblr.com/
> 
> Also, my goal is to never let this story end. Guys: THIS IS THE NEVER-ENDING STORY. Because they're gods and can't die.

            Kanaya was not planning on greeting an unwanted guest at six on a Sunday morning in a state of fashion that she would not allow anyone else but her Matesprit/wife Rose to see her in. In fact, it would simply be out of the question if not for an idiot who decided that it would be a good idea to try and pound in the door with their fist until one of the two mansion’s occupants drag themselves out of bed to answer the unwanted call.

            With killer lipstick in hand, Kanaya stormed down the stairs through the cold house ready to give the guest a thing or two. That thing or two mostly being a chainsaw. Though, Kanaya knew that she needed to hold herself from cutting the head off of the pour soul who happened to unleash the Maryam rage. The Maryam rage was unleash when Kanaya was forced out of the warm bed because the ignored knocking was becoming so loud Rose was afraid it would destroy the door. Somehow, Rose had managed to convince Kanaya to be the one to get out of bed and give a piece of their mind to the person at the door. Kanaya did not know how Rose convinced her, but she had done it.

            Making it to the foyer, Kanaya opened the door ready to give the Maryam rage to the idiot who decided to knock on the door of the Lalonde Mansion at 6 AM what was coming to them. With a thousand of choice words on her mind, Kanaya opened the door and stood back in shock. She had to take a few moments to recompose herself at the sight in front of her.

            “Hey fussyfangs,” Vriska greeted Kanaya. “You look horrible. Did you get run over by a bus?”

            Kanaya wasn’t sure was she was more horrified by. There was the fact that Vriska was supposed to be dead but she looked well and alive standing on her doorstep. Then Vriska knew where she lived when she should not because she was supposed to be dead. Finally, Kanaya was most horrified by Vriska insulting her fashion choices. Vriska herself forced Kanaya to get out of bed to try to stop her from destroying the door. She had no time to make herself presentable and despite the common belief, Kanaya Maryam does not wake up looking fabulous. It takes a lot of hard work and hair gel to make Kanaya Maryam look fabulous.

            “Can I come in?” Vriska then asked. “I’ve been knocking for over a half an hour and its cold.”

            “Of course, come in,” Kanaya stepped aside to allow her former moirail to enter her home. Kanaya wasn’t one to turn down someone in need of shelter even if they did share an uncomfortable past.

            “Wow,” Vriska gasped as she stepped inside the Lalonde Mansion and Kanaya closed the door behind her. “You got some nice digs Maryam.”

            “Thank-you,” Kanaya stiffly replied. “It was rather dark and gloomy when I moved in so I did my best to give the house some life. But that aside Vriska, what are you doing here?”

            “What? You’re not happy with your moirail dropping in on you?” Vriska questioned as she wandered over into the kitchen.

            “Former moirail,” Kanaya reminded Vriska as she followed the spider troll into the kitchen to make sure she did not break anything expensive. “Because last time I checked you were dead.”

            “Yeah, I just happened to wake up on your lawnring alive,” Vriska lightly explained, not developing too deep into the details. “So do you have anything to eat? I’m hungry.”

            Kanaya sighed, barely getting any answers. Kanaya knew that she might as well play along with Vriska’s game of putting off facts until Vriska told enough fragments to put together a story. So to play along, Kanaya could not miss the chance to be an excellent host even if she did not look her best and if Vriska was a ghost from the past she would rather leave behind.

            “Yes,” Kanaya replied. “What would you like?”

            “I don’t know,” Vriska stated poking the microwave. “A lot of this stuff looks weird. But anyway, do you have something like, beefgrub and mutilated unfertilized cluckbeast excrement?”

            “No, we only have human foods,” Kanaya replied. “But I can make you the human equivalent if you would like.”

            “Probably won’t taste the same but sure,” Vriska replies, her finger spinning around the microwave buttons as if she was tempted to press all the buttons. All of them.

            “Please leave the microwave alone,” Kanaya asks Vriska as she begins to make breakfast. Kanaya decided that it wouldn’t do anyone harm to make a full on buffet if she was serving breakfast for three people. Kanaya was sure that Rose would want a piece of the breakfast action and had no idea how much Vriska was actually going to eat. So, Kanaya decided to prove her worth in the passive-aggressive charade by starting to make three of every breakfast item she knew even while looking like she just got out of bed (even though she had). Any leftovers could be feed to Vriska at a later date if she was staying for gogs know how long and to some of the homeless in the area.

            “Why not? Its booooooooring sitting here watching you make food. Also if you hadn’t noticed that is way too much food,” Vriska pointed out sitting at the kitchen counter.

            “Maybe I am making a meal for more than one,” Kanaya pointedly replied. “And I do not want you breaking anything expensive. Also that microwave happened to be a wedding gift from one of Rose’s publishers. Rose would be devastated if anything would happen to it because she could not point out how wonderful a microwave it is every time they hold a meeting here.”

            “Wedding?” Vriska asked drawing circles on the counter with her finger. “Isn’t that the human way of confirming a Matespritship?”

            “Yes,” Kanaya replied.

            “Sounds booooooooring,” Vriska drawled.

            Kanaya rolled here eyes and continued making dinner. Vriska seemed contempt to try and entertain herself by playing with the kitchen TV remote (another wedding gift from a publisher) and by the time Kanaya was done making breakfast Rose was descending the stairs to finally find out who was at the door. Rose most likely fell right back to sleep after the knocking ceased but she would never admit to that.

            “Hhm, I see you have made a feast for us Kanaya,” Rose said as she came into the kitchen. “What happens to be the occasion?”

            “Nothing,” Kanaya replied turning around to talk to Rose face-to-face. “I just thought that you would like a wide variety of food to eat.”

            Rose glanced around at the food Kanaya prepared before stating, “You are getting good at this Ms. Maryam. Almost too good.”

            “Well I have learned from the best,” Kanaya replied. Rose gave Kanaya a smirk before walking up to her and wrapping an arm around Kanaya’s neck.

            “I hope I never have top see the day when the student surpasses the master,” Rose whispered nose to nose with Kanaya.

            “You have morning breath dear,” Kanaya replied.

            “So do you,” Rose stated before moving for a kiss.

            “Gross,” Vriska stated watching the two classy women make out in the kitchen.

            Rose pulled away from Kanaya to observe their new guest. After a silent moment Rose asked, “Well Vriska Serket, what pleasure do you give us by gracing us with your presence in our home?”

            “I just came back from the dead,” Vriska informed Rose.

            “Apparently,” Rose replied taking a moment to look over Vriska in her current living state. “Well I am glad to see that we are not recreating every zombie cliché known to mankind, but that wasn’t the question. More simply, why are you here?”

            “I woke up on your lawn,” Vriska answered.

            “But how did you know that in this house Kanaya and I reside?” Rose continued to try and pull the truth from Vriska.

            “I guessed,” Vriska replied.

            Rose was silent before stating, “I will pull the answer out of you later, but we can have breakfast now.”

            As Rose finished her sentence, as though on cue the phone began to ring. Rose walked over to the charging station to see who was on the phone and a frown drew across her face.

            “It is just my brother,” Rose stated. “Let it ring.”

            Kanaya then started to prepare the table for breakfast as Rose waited for the phone to stop ringing so she could listen to the message Dave would leave her. Vriska was not sure what to do, but she was curious about what the ironic Dave Strider had to say so she stayed in her seat.

            With the beep from the answering machine, Dave left his message.

            “Yo Rose,” Dave began. “Stop snogging your alien wife and answer. I have important business to arrange with you.”

            When Dave stopped Rose picked up the phone and answered it, but put it on speaker.

            “Yes brother?” Rose replied. “What makes you chose and word from an opposite culture of ours to explain an activity my wife and I may or may not have been involved in?”

            “Because I started using it last night and Karkat has gotten all angry because he doesn’t know what it means,” Dave replied.

            “So what do you need of me?” Rose asked.

            “You know how you’re famous and everything with all your books and shit?” Dave asked.

            “Actually Dave, I had no idea that I was a world famous author selling thousands of books every hour, in where my books need to be restocked at the end of every day because they fly off the shelves at record speeds. I was clueless for all this time and you just showed me the light. Thank-you Dave,” Rose retorted.

            “Yeah well it’s a surprise to me too,” Dave went along with the charade Rose had set up. “I just found out this morning and I’m pretty shocked too. But that isn’t the point.”

            “Then what is the point David?” Rose asked.

            “I want you to read to the kids at Day Care,” Dave replied, long ago not bothering to fight against the notion that his full name was David because long ago it was revealed that his full name was really David.

            “I hardly think that my books are appropriated reading material for kids that age Dave,” Rose answered.

            “No, I want you to read Dr. Seuss,” Dave started to explain. “You can come in at any random time aside from nap time, I hand you the Seuss book and you begin to read. Once you’re done you can leave and pretend like that never happened. Unless I accidentally call the new station so they can get live footage of Rosemary Lalonde performing charity service by reading to little kids.”

            “I regret every telling you my full name,” Rose stated.

            “I learned it at your wedding,” Dave informed Rose.

            “I regret ever inviting you to my wedding then,” Rose corrected her statement.

            “Ouch, you go back on inviting your own brother to your wedding?” Dave began a rant. “What next, you aren’t going to invite me to the birth of your first child? You aren’t going to invite me to their first birthday? Christmas? I can’t even trust you because you might not invite me to the next dinner. Just you Kanaya and Karkat sitting there in an awkward silence with me there to spice up your dinner. I’m quiet appalled Rose. Not inviting your own brother to your wedding. How dare you go back on regretting you inviting me to the happiest day of your life?”

            “Well Dave, you did end up hijacking the set play list and turning the wedding into a Strider rap fest before Jade threatened to go Grimbark on you again,” Kanaya reminded Dave.

            “I still am amazed that Jade was the one to do that and not I,” Rose added.

            “We were somewhat busy being forced to take more wedding photos than we could ever need to commemorate the momentous and joyful occasion,” Kanaya reminded Rose.

            “Wow you’re there Kanaya?” Dave asked.

            “Yes,” Kanaya replied having returned to the kitchen after setting the dinning up for breakfast.

            “Now listen here Kanaya,” Dave began. “Do you think that Rose should read Dr. Seuss to the kids at Day Care?”

            “My opinion does not matter in this,” Kanaya carefully drew out of the conversation.

            “Come on Rose,” Dave tried to persuade Rose.

            “Will you leave me alone if I read one story to your Day Care patrons?” Rose asked her brother.

            “For now,” Dave replied.

            “I will,” Rose agreed.

            “Awesome, Monday, one o’clock,” Dave gave Rose the time before hanging up.

            “What just happened?” Vriska asked having not heard a Strider-Lalonde conversation before.

            “I was just having a lovely conversation with my dear ectobiological brother,” Rose informed Vriska.

            “That didn’t sound like that,” Vriska told Rose. “And there seems to be a lot for me to catch up on.”

            “Well then let us catch up over breakfast,” Kanaya stated. “We do not want our food to become cold.”

            They all went to sat down at the table but no catching up was held. Instead, it was just an awkward silence of chewing food and Rose occasionally asking small questions of Vriska to try and piece together the puzzle of how she ended up here. Vriska didn’t answer so Rose decided upon small talk to make Vriska feel uncomfortable. Once they were done, Rose helped Kanaya with the dishes while they turned on the TV in the living room for Vriska to watch. Vriska was surfing channels until she ended up on an episode of Spongebob because they were searching for treasure and acting like pirates.

            Once breakfast was done, Rose and Kanaya both took turns getting dressed so they could always keep one eye on Vriska. After that, they began to make plans for the day in the kitchen where they could keep an eye on Vriska.

            “So someone needs to go and distribute the leftover breakfast items to the homeless before it goes bad,” Kanaya added to the list for the day.

            “You can go do that,” Rose offered. “I’d rather stay here and try to draw answers out of Vriska rather than step outside in this cold weather.”

            “But I do not want to put you in an uncomfortable position. You barely know Vriska,” Kanaya added.

            “Then I shall make good use of the time that you are gone and get to know Vriska. Maybe I will turn on more Spongebob for her so she can entertain herself,” Rose replied. “It’s not a bother Kanaya.”

            “Well, while I am out do you mind if I stop at Dave and Karkat’s?” Kanaya asked.

            “Of course not,” Rose answered. “Now, let me help you load the food into the car.”

            “But just one question before I leave,” Kanaya paused. “Dave mentioned ‘snogging’ earlier when you were conversing with him on the phone. What does ‘snogging’ mean?”

            “It’s a simple concept,” Rose said without adding anything else. She the picked up a stack of containers and started to walk out the door without answering Kanaya’s question. Kanaya often disliked it when Rose did this, but it was apart of their own passive-aggressive fight.

            After the two classy ladies moved the packaged breakfast leftovers to Kanaya’s car, Kanaya bid adieu and delivered the local homeless a meal. After that, she pulled up into the driveway of Dave and Karkat’s home. Dave’s red 2014 Audi RB (which he liked to brag about) was in the driveway along with Karkat’s own car (he had no idea what type of style his car was, just like Kanaya) so both of them were home, along with Terezi most likely. She was not able to obtain her driver’s license because of her lack of sight.

            Kanaya got out of the car and walked up to the door. She was about to ring the doorbell but then Dave opened the door. Kanaya never figured out the mystery of how Dave would know that a person was arriving unannounced. Sometimes he would even put out a welcome sign for the unannounced guest.

            “Wow Kanaya, nice to see you,” Dave said as the door swung open. “Come in. Karkat was just making lunch.”

            “Well in that case I do not think that you will need these leftovers from breakfast,” Kanaya stated as she handed the last container to Dave.

            “I’ll eat these for dinner,” Dave replied as he left Kanaya in the small foyer trapped being an interception between the kitchen and the living room along with the fact that there was a small closet overflowing with coats and shoes. Kanaya hung her coat on the coat rack provided for guests who did not feel like struggling to push their coat into the closet before following Dave into the kitchen.

            In the Strider-Vantas kitchen, Karkat was busy making lunch because Dave could not cook (a trait shared with his twin Rose) and Terezi could not be trusted with food. Terezi was sitting at the small table snug in the corner of the room licking a newspaper while the Mayor sitting next to her was scribbling on a sheet of printer paper. A small TV was placed on a stand behind was on a news channel. Dave was putting the leftovers Kanaya gave him into the fridges and hand to maneuver around Karkat in the cramped kitchen. He was forced to spill over into the hallway that leads to the three main bedrooms and the bathroom.

            “Hey Kanaya!” Terezi greeted Kanaya first.

            “Hey,” Karkat mumbled his greeting as he was finishing making a sandwich. “You want lunch Kanaya?”

            “Why not?” Kanaya replied happy to have lunch after running around all morning. Kanaya then went to sit in the chair that was closest to the steps that lead down to the landing that was the intersection between the stairs to the basement, the side door, and a small pantry.

            “So what brings you here Kanaya?” Dave asked as he closed the fridge. He had a bottle of apple juice and can of Tab in hand. He handed the Tab to the Mayor who excitedly opened it and drank it down quickly. Dave then sat down next to Kanaya and opened the apple juice for himself.

            “I have some news,” Kanaya began. “Vriska is back from the dead.”

            “What?!” Terezi asked surprised. “She’s back from the dead?!”             “Aradia did warn us about this after we got settled in this new place,” Karkat reminded Terezi as he placed a sandwich under her nose. He also placed a sandwich in front of the Mayor and Dave before turning back to the counter to make a sandwich for himself and Kanaya.

            “Oh right,” Terezi remembered.

            “So you left Rose alone with Vriska?” Dave asked.

            “Rose insisted on it,” Kanaya added.

            “Well now what?” Karkat asked as he handed a sandwich to Kanaya. He leaned back against the counter because there was no more room at the small table for himself. “We just can’t let that fucksquatting nookscratching scumbag stay at your place and act like a freeloader.”

            “Yes, I have been pondering that myself,” Kanaya agreed.

            “Send her to John’s,” Dave pointed out. “Wasn’t Vriska John’s patron troll? They can freak out about shitty movies together.”

            “Well Jade might not like having a pirate troll at her house,” Karkat pointed out.

            “I thought Jade moved out of John’s house into an apartment?” Terezi asked.

            “I don’t know,” Karkat grumbled.

            “Well, we can figure this out later after speaking to Vriska about her housing situation,” Kanaya replied. “But Karkat, I was wondering if I could speak to you in private?”

            “Of course,” Karkat agreed. He grabbed his sandwich and began to walk towards the staircase. Kanaya got up from her seat and followed suit by grabbing her sandwich and heading to the stairs hidden behind a small half-wall to keep the people in the kitchen from falling down the hole.

            The moirails descended down the stairs into the large basement. Downstairs, there was a sectional along with a large TV mounted on a wall in the center of the room. Next to the sectional in the corner near the staircase was a pile made up of old clothes and blankets perfect for feeling jams. On the other side of the room was a large desk covered with paper work, used by both Dave and Karkat. A door was on the same wall as the desk perpendicular to the TV that lead to Terezi’s messy room. Across from the desk was a small hallway that leads to the laundry room, a second bathroom, and the Mayor’s own room, and the resident Can Town.

            Karkat and Kanaya moved to the pile in the corner for a quick feelings jam. Karkat had almost moved the horn pile from the Meteor to their basement but Dave insisted on using something more comfortable and wouldn’t freak either of them out when someone stepped on a stray horn. Dave himself organized the pile with old blankets, pillows, clothes, coats, scarves, comforters, and sheets. It was the most comfortable pile any of the trolls had ever seen.

            “So what’s the matter?” Karkat asked taking a bite out of his sandwich.

            “I’m mostly just upset by Vriska’s return and the harm that she could do to the fragile world we’ve set up for ourselves,” Kanaya expressed her concerns before taking a bite of her own sandwich.

            “I can see that,” Karkat agreed before swallowing the piece of sandwich he was chewing. “She was your former moirail and you had a crush on her but you’ve moved far on. You’ve filled both of those quadrants. And now she’s in your house. But as Dave said, we can send her packing to John’s and he can knock sense into her if need be. I don’t think that that douchefucking shitpuppet nooksuck will mind having a crazy spider bitch in his house.”

            “Right,” Kanaya agreed after swallowing the piece of sandwich she bit off. “It is an easy solution when you think about it. But there’s one more thing. Did you tell Dave about our previous conversation?”

            “Kanaya, I promise you I did not,” Karkat promised.

            “Then what about the call Rose received this morning?” Kanaya asked.

            “Dave has security cameras everywhere,” Karkat sighed. “He thinks it’s a good idea in case some shitdicking assfucking ugly douchecrumpet decides to break into the home of two police officers, a ninja who owns a day care, and the mayor of a fictious city that launches cans at your head. I really think that he just has them because he’s nosy. He won’t admit it though.”

            “He really has security cameras everywhere?” Kanaya asked in disbelief.

            “He hides them,” Karkat replied. “He bought the insufferable fuckbagging pieces of machinery with the money his Bro left him. They’re all state of the art and hidden.”

            “Makes sense now,” Kanaya said after thinking the idea over. “It is a clever idea though.”

            “Yeah,” Karkat agreed. “But I think Dave was actually thinking about asking Rose to read to the kids at Day Care before our talk. He likes to get other people to do that kind of shit so he can have a break.”

            “Alright, thank-you for the talk Karkat,” Kanaya said as Karkat stood up. Karkat then held out his hand for Kanaya to grasp so she could help him up.

            “No problem,” Karkat replied. The moirails then walked upstairs back into the kitchen and found that everyone had already dispersed. Kanaya walked into the very small corner called the foyer and pulled her coat on and saw that Terezi, Dave and Mayor had all gathered around the TV in the living room to play on Dave’s Xbox.

            “Drive safe,” Karkat told Kanaya as she opened the door.

            “I will,” Kanaya answered as she walked out the door and closed it behind her.

            Once Kanaya had left, Karkat walked into the living where Terezi, Dave and the Mayor were all playing Xbox.

            The living room was a large open room with a couch on one wall and two recliners on the other with a side table in the middle. There was an open space in the corner that no one knew what to do with. No matter how the furniture was moved, the space was always there. In the corner near foyer there was a cabinet filled will useless things like papers, pens, mints and candy-canes left over from Christmas 2012. There was also a small table covered with picture frames filled with pictures taken by Dave himself. There was a large window on the wall between on the recliners and the TV, which was tucked into the corner made by the closet on the other side. Dave, Terezi and the Mayor had all pulled beanbag chairs out of the spare bedroom so they could sit back as they gamed away.

            “Dave,” Karkat announced. “I need to talk to you.”

            “On second I have to kill Darth Vader,” Dave announced.

            “This isn’t even a Star Wars game,” Karkat sighed.

            “But its Disney Freeplay,” Terezi retorted.

            “This is a really stupid game,” Karkat sighed.

            “I know you like it,” Dave replied. “You were digging it that last time we made you play. I saw you enjoying being Wolverine fighting alongside Else, Stitch and Mulan.”

            “Why were you Elsa?” Karkat asked Dave in exasperation.

            “Because sometimes I just like to let it go,” Dave answered.

            “Don’t question the Disney Freeplay Karkat!” Terezi replied.

            “And why are you Stitch? And the Mayor Mulan?” Karkat continued to ask questions.

            “Because Stitch smells delicious,” Terezi replied. They didn’t let her lick the screens of the TV so she had to do with smelling from afar.

            “And Mulan is cool dude. The Mayor just likes to kick people’s ass,” Dave answered for the Mayor.

            Karkat sighed before returning the former subject, “Dave, I need to talk to you. Immediately”

            “Dude one more minute,” Dave pleaded.

            “Now,” Karkat demanded.

            “Fine,” Dave sighed. He paused the game and got up off the bean bag chair. They went into the back hallway where the three bedrooms were before entering the spare bedroom.

            There were three bedrooms upstairs in the Strider-Vantas home: the guest bedroom, the spare bedroom, and the master bedroom. The guest bedroom was the bedroom closets to the living room and the bedroom no one knew what to do with so Karkat declared that it was a guest bedroom because Terezi wanted to live downstairs. Karkat was thinking about turning it into an office, but no attempt had been made at completing this goal so Karkat ended up having to go in there and dust once a week. The master bedroom was at the other end of the hall near kitchen. It was Dave and Karkat’s bedroom but it seemed to be only used in the morning and the evening.

            The spare bedroom was the smallest bedroom and was stuffed in between the guest bedroom and the master bedroom. It was a sliver of a room but it had many purposes. It was used as a quiet place residents in the house could escape too when things were too hectic. It was also a spare storage room for things used often so residents did not have to walk downstairs to the laundry room to grab supplies.

            The spare bedroom was made up of a bed pushed against one wall and a small TV on a small table across the room. That made a small pathway to get to the back where there was a small desk and a closet filled with extra clothes and boxes of items from the Meteor that no one knew what to do with. In the corner in between the desk and the bed, there was a floor lamp and a beanbag chair. That was the place that Dave decided to stuff the beanbag chairs: around the base of the lamp. Dave’s collection of swords hung proudly above the small TV gleaming as though they were just polished. Sunlight streamed through a small window above the desk peering out into the small backyard lighting up the room.

            “So what’s up Karkat?” Dave asked as he hopped up onto the bed in the room. The bed was really tall but that was because Dave placed the bed posts onto cinderblocks (it ain’t home without cinderblocks, Dave would say) so he could stuff long boxes filled with his childhood memories underneath. He would like to pull the boxes out from time to time to be filled with childhood nostalgia that Karkat didn’t understand. He was just happen he found a bed skirt long enough that covered the ugly cinderblocks.

            “Why must you be so nosy?” Karkat asked. “You’re a shameful ass-shitting shame douchecrumpet with your hidden dumbshit cameras invading my privacy and Kanaya’s privacy!”

            “Sorry,” Dave sat up. “But I think that it was a good idea on my part. All the kids love Dr. Seuss. And as you said, you love reading to the kids even though you won’t admit it.”

            Karkat growled glaring at Dave.

            “Hey, we’ll just see how this turns out,” Dave continued on. “It’s not like any of us are dumb enough to tell her the real reason behind the reading. And it’s just between me, you, and Kanaya.”

            “But it’s only supposed to be between me and Kanaya,” Karkat growled.

            “Too late for that,” Dave put away. “But hey, are you okay with Vriska coming back to life?”

            “Yes, of course I am. Why would that matter? Vriska is just a fuckwhiffing insufferable shitstain!” Karkat replied.

            “I don’t its just that you’re moirails now and Kanaya and Vriska were moirails,” Dave continued on.

            “Look, Vriska has been dead for twelve human years! Everyone is so far past Vriska we’re on the other side of the douchey nookscratching shitting fuck mountain of incredible stupidity!” Karkat yelled.

            “I’m pretty sure you’re jealous,” Dave continued.

            Karkat let out a scream of frustration. When he was done he looked back at Dave who had a little half-smile on his face.

            “What are you smiling at you horseshitting nooksuck?” Karkat demanded.

            “Well, I was thinking that you needed to loosen up,” Dave replied.

            “What?” Karkat asked confused.

            Dave then launched forward off the bed before dragging him back to the bed stuffed in the corner. Karkat could not retaliate or scream curses before Dave’s hands shot up underneath his shirt and began to tickle the raw skin left over from when he lost his grub legs. The raw skin on the sides of a troll’s body was one of three places where trolls were ticklish. The other two places consisted of the back of the neck and the base of the horns (but not the horns themselves).

            As Dave’s fingers quickly ran across Karkat’s raw skin Karkat couldn’t help but start to laugh as he hunched over to try and fight against the tickling. Dave began to laugh as well as Karkat was forced to have a smile painted on his face before Karkat jabbed his elbow into Dave’s side. The jolt made Dave’s sunglasses fall off as both of the men’s laughter began to fade away, though a smile was still painted on both of their faces.

            “Ah Strider,” Karkat sighed turning over so he was laying on Dave face-up. Without Dave’s sunglasses on his face, Karkat could say that Dave looked considerably cuter. Dave’s cheeks were speckled with freckles and a few small scars leftover from battles in the past. Looking into Dave’s eyes always made Karkat fell as though he was not alone in the universe and Karkat could spend hours just staring at them. But not now. Revenge was at hand, “You just brought a world of pain on yourself.”

            Unlike Karkat who was only ticklish in three places, Dave was ticklish everywhere. So Karkat just had to choose one place to lightly run his fingers over and Dave would be laughing. The only bad part was that Dave was a thrasher so Karkat had to be at a safe distant so he didn’t receive a foot in the face.

            Karkat began to run his fingers over Dave’s stomach and the Knight of Time began to laugh. As his laughter picked up to a hyena cackle Dave’s limbs flung wildly in an attempt top push Karkat away. Luckily though, Karkat had years of experience so he was able to dodge Dave’s flying limbs.

            “Come on babe!” Dave gasped in between laughs. “Sorry! Sorry!”

            Karkat finally stopped seeing that Dave was winded after laughing so hard. Dave caught his breath and looked at Karkat who was kneeling on the bed next to him with a proud look on his face. Dave leaned up to wrap his arms around the small troll before pulling him back down next to him.

            “Sorry for stooping into your privacy,” Dave apologized. “And tickling you. I won’t do it again. Well, I mean I won’t put my head into your privacy where I don’t belong. I will still tickle you in the future when you’re being a major grump.”

            “Sorry for yelling at you,” Karkat mumbled into Dave’s shoulder.

            “It’s alright,” Dave replied kissing Karkat’s forehead. “It was my fault anyway.”

            “It was,” Karkat agreed.

            “Let’s not get up,” Dave proposed.

            “Alright,” Karkat agreed again. “But Dave.”

            “What?” Dave replied.

            “What’s snogging?” Karkat asked. He wasn’t able to find out what it is ever since Dave began to use this word since last night. He was sure Dave had made it up but then he used it while he was talking to Rose on the phone earlier and she seemed to understand it.

            “It’s a simple concept,” Dave replied before kissing Karkat again. Dave didn’t add anything else so Karkat wasn’t going to get anymore to that answer.

            While Dave and Karkat were being stupid boyfriends, Kanaya had returned home to find that Rose was already having a drink while Vriska was surfing the TV channels again.

            “That better be your first one,” Kanaya said as she came through the door to find Rose slowly sipping out of a wine glass.

            “It is,” Rose replied. “Now how did you deal with Vriska when you were young?”

            “It’s a secret dear,” Kanaya replied taking the bottle of wine and placing it back into the wine cellar. Though before she did, she had to pause, “Rose, I thought only I had the key to the wine cellar.”

            “Yes well, I have magic,” Rose reminded Kanaya.

            Kanaya sighed before sitting back across from Rose, “So I talked to Dave, Karkat and Terezi. They suggested sending Vriska to John’s.”

            “Wise decision,” Rose agreed. “I will have to go and call John to see if he can accommodate her.”

            “Hey fussyfangs!” Vriska greeted Kanaya as she entered the kitchen. “Where were you?”

            “I was over at Dave and Karkat’s,” Kanaya replied.

            “Karkat’s living with Dave?” Vriska asked confused.

            “Yes,” Rose replied. “They have been dating for eight years. Terezi lives with them because Dave is her moirail.”

            “I would have never thought that Karkat would get together with that proclaimed coolkid,” Vriska commented. “So where’s John and Jade?”

            “John is living in a house in the same neighborhood as Karkat and Dave,” Kanaya explained. “Jade has moved to a pet-friendly apartment near here.”

            “Cool, so where am I going to stay?” Vriska then asked. “Because no offense, but this place isn’t my style. Too fancy.”

            Kanaya and Rose were both relived to hear that Vriska was not planning on staying with them.

            “Well we were thinking about calling John to see if he could provide you accommodations,” Rose informed Kanaya.

            “Cool,” Vriska agreed with that plan. “I’m gonna go back and watch human TV. It’s actually pretty good for a primitive species.”

            Vriska left the room and Rose and Kanaya turned to each other.

            “I’ll go call John right now,” Rose got up from her seat and left the room to go call John in her office. She left behind a half a glass of wine which Kanaya took the time to pour down the drain. When Rose returned a few minutes later, she announced, “John would be happy to have Vriska living with him for the time being.”

            “Wonderful,” Kanaya agreed.

            “He’ll be over in a few minutes,” Rose added. “Where’s my glass of wine?”

            “It may have been poured down the drain or maybe it grew wings and flew away,” Kanaya suggested.

            Rose smirked and went into the living room to tell Vriska the good news. As Rose said, in only a few minutes John’s used car was pulling into the driveway. As John hopped out of his car, Kanaya opened the door for him to come in.

            “Hi Kanaya! Hi Rose! Where’s Vriska?” John greeted the ladies as he came into the mansion.

            “Hey John!” Vriska greeted John as she stepped into the foyer.

            “Vriska!” John greeted the spider troll with a hug. “I haven’t seen you in so long!”

            “That’s because I’ve been dead idiot,” Vriska reminded John.

            “Oh right, sorry,” John sheepishly apologized. “Do you have everything?”

            “Yes, because I have nothing,” Vriska informed John.

            “Oh, right, sorry again,” John apologized a second time. “Well I can take you shopping at the Target near my house.”

            “Cool,” Vriska agreed. “But, what’s a Target?”

            “You’ll see,” John replied.

            “You two better get going if you have to outfit Vriska with worldly possessions,” Rose informed John.

            “Right,” John agreed. “Well, we’ll see you guys later! Come on Vriska!”

            As John walked out the door Vriska turned to Rose and Kanaya, “See you two later!”

            Vriska left the house and walked up to John’s car. Kanaya and Rose watched as they drove away off to Target from the kitchen window. Once they were out of sight, Rose turned to Kanaya and stated, “That was surprisingly easy.”

            “Agreed,” Kanaya replied confused at Vriska’s easiness for once.

            “But now that Vriska is out of our hair,” Rose began. “How about we make up for the time you lost in bed because of our unexpected guest?”

            Kanaya smiled and replied, “That sounds wonderful.”  



	2. So You Want to Work at Day Care

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's my Tumblr: http://sniperdoodle.tumblr.com/
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to my dead guinea pig Cupcake. Just cuze.

            “John I’m boooooooored,” Vriska proclaimed as she sat back and sighed. She had been alive for over two weeks and it felt like she had already exhausted the new things on earth to a point where they were no longer interesting.

            Vriska was lying on the couch in John’s living room as John was in the kitchen making himself lunch.

            “Well,” John replied. “Isn’t there anything that you haven’t seen? There’s Netflix. It’s filled with series you can binge-watch to your heart’s content.”

            “Everything on there is booooooooring,” Vriska groaned. “Can’t you entertain me?”

            “No because after I eat lunch I’m walking over to Karkat and Dave’s place,” John replied as he entered the living room with a sandwich in his hands. He sat down on the recliner next to the couch and faced Vriska as he took a bite. “You can come with me if you want.”

            “It’ll be boring,” Vriska groaned.

            “You haven’t even been to Dave and Karkat’s place! And you haven’t seen Terezi or Karkat since you came back. And you haven’t met the Mayor,” John reminded Vriska. “It’ll do you good to get off the couch and see something new.”

            “Alright,” Vriska groaned and sat up. “Why do you even have to go to their hive?”

            “Because I have to talk to Dave about a job,” John replied.

            “But I thought you were a human chuckle artist?” Vriska asked.

            “It’s complicated,” John answered. “You know what; maybe if you get a job you won’t be bored all the time because you’ll be working.”

            “What person in the right mind would hire a troll?” Vriska asked.

            “Karkat and Terezi work on the Police Force,” John explained. “And Kanaya owns her own fashion shop, or whatever it’s called. The Mayor also has a job, he helps Dave at his Day Care.”

            “I’ll think about it,” Vriska replied.

            “Good,” John got up after finishing his sandwich. “Then with the money you get you can help me pay for the bills.”

            “Whoa, humans get paid for their jobs?” Vriska asked surprised at this piece of information.

            “Yeah, we have to pay the taxes and bills somehow,” John answered as he put his plate away.

            “Jobs sound 8000 times cooler now,” Vriska stated as she got up.

            “Well come on,” John told Vriska as he got his jacket on. “Let’s go to Dave and Karkat’s.”

            “Are we driving?” Vriska asked putting her own jacket on.

            “No, we’re walking,” John answered.

            “Why?” Vriska groaned.

            “Because they live just around the corner and it’s a wonderful spring day. They’re probably outside too,” John answered opening the door.

            “Uhg,” Vriska groaned as she followed John out.

            John was right; it was a lovely spring day. The trees were a vibrant green and swayed in the wind as a cool breeze cut through the neighborhood. The grass was growing wildly and needed to be cut. The sun was high in the sky providing light to the world. It was just the right temperature outside: not too hot but not too cold. This made the short walk to Dave and Karkat’s house pleasant as birds sang their song and the wind backed the up by wipping around in the air.

            When they arrived at Dave and Karkat’s house, John was proven right again. Dave, Karkat, Terezi and the Mayor were all out enjoying the perfect spring day. They were relaxing in the small backyard squished between the house and a fence lined with tall bushes. The bushes wrapped around from the garage to the opposite side of the house which Kanaya herself arranged. The backyard was open to both the garage and driveway, so it was easy to access. In the back of the yard there was a garden kept by Jade who needed a place to grow food because she could not in her present apartment. Karkat also helped her to keep it tidy because Jade was not available everyday to keep the garden alive. There was a garden shack in between the garden and a small grove of trees. Squished in between the grove of trees and the house was a small patio where there was a table and grill Dave insisted on buying, but only Karkat could use it because Dave didn’t know how to cook.

            In the Strider-Vantas backyard, Karkat was sitting in one of four lawn chairs pulled out and placed behind the house in the sun. He was watching Dave, Terezi and the Mayor throw a Frisbee around while drinking a glass of apple juice (Dave had gotten him addicted to the fruity juice).

            “Yo Egbert!” Dave greeted John as he threw the Frisbee to him.

John caught the Frisbee and shouted back his own greeting, “Hi Dave! Hi Karkat, Terezi and Mayor!”

“Egbert,” Karkat gave john a curt nod.

            “Vriska!” Terezi greeted the spider troll by running over and providing a bony hug. “No hard feelings over me killing you? It has been twelve years though, right?”

            “Right,” Vriska agreed. “But I can see why you did it. I had a long time to reflect on it.”

            “Great,” Terezi let go and stood back with a shit eating grin on her face happy by the acceptance of the apology.

            “Vriska,” Karkat mumbled his greeting not bothering to get out of the chair as Vriska came into the backyard.

            “Karkat,” Vriska replied with the same tone of voice.

            “Well, Egbert and I will leave you guys to get reacquainted as we talk business,” Dave informed the group as he began to guide John into the house.

            “So what have you been doing since you came back?” Terezi asked as she sat down in one of the lawn chairs. A small carapace wearing a button-up shirt and jeans along with a sash that said MAYOR sat next to Terezi and picked a can of Tab up off the ground.

            “Nothing really,” Vriska sighed. “John suggested that I should get a job but I don’t know anything about human jobs. He said something about the two of you being ‘police’.”

            “Yeah we work at the police department here,” Terezi answered. “We’re partners. We go around in our car and make sure that people are following the law. And we also go and help people when we get a call.”

            “That sounds like a job you would want Pyrope,” Vriska commented. “Same for you Karkat if it has to do with helping people.”

            Karkat rolled his eyes but didn’t answer. He just continued to sip on his glass of apple juice.

            “So do you have any idea what job I should have?” Vriska asked Terezi.

            “I don’t know,” Terezi answered. “I would say that you should join the police force but you have to go to the academy for that. And you don’t have the time or the money to go to the academy.”

            “Dave’s hiring,” Karkat reminded Terezi. “Maybe you would like it if she was surrounded by snotty germ-infested kids.”

            “What does Dave do?” Vriska ask.

            “He runs a Day Care,” Terezi explained. “Which is a place where human parents drop off their grubs while they go to work.”

            “That doesn’t sound like much fun,” Vriska answered.

            “It’s actually pretty nice place,” Karkat explained further. “I enjoy visiting from time to time.”

            “The Mayor works at the Day Care too!” Terezi added.

            “Who’s the Mayor?” Vriska asked.

            “This is the Mayor!” Terezi pointed to the carapace sitting next to her. “He’s everyone friends and the Mayor of Can Town!”

            “Can Town?” Vriska asked.

            “A fictitious nookhumping braindead shitdicking town in our basement made up of food cylinders,” Karkat answer. “But even if it is a really stupid place, the Mayor is really awesome.”

            Vriska was quite confused at Karkat’s praise for a simple carapace drinking a horrible human beverage but went along with it.

            “So does Day Care pay well?” Vriska asked.

            “You would have to ask Dave since he racks in all the money from the job,” Karkat answered.

            “But he would pay you more than enough to get by,” Terezi added.

            “Hhm,” Vriska thought for a moment.

            As the trolls conversed, inside Dave and John were having their own conversations about jobs.

            “You sure you want it?” Dave questioned John.

            “I need it,” John sighed. “And I don’t feel like working at a McDonalds.”

            “Then you’ve got it,” Dave answered.

            “That easy?” John questioned.

            “Dude, you’re my oldest bro. Of course I’d give you a job,” Dave informed sitting down at the table after grabbing a bottle of apple juice. “You sure you don’t want some apple juice?”

            “Naw, I don’t prefer piss” John replied inspecting a rodent skull left out on the dinning room table. “Though I do like your new center piece.”

            “I know,” Dave answered taking the small skull out of John’s hands. “It’s a guinea pig skull.”

            “Fancy compared to all of your mouse and rat skulls,” John sighed.

            “Yeah,” Dave agreed moving the skull’s jaw with his fingers. “And Bob agrees.”

            “Stop naming all of your skeletons Bob,” John sighed. “You could come up with a more creative name.”

            “What? Like Cupcake?” Dave scoffed. “But enough about my skeleton. You have a job now.”

            “Hours?” John asked.

            “Write this down,” Dave stated. John grabbed a notepad left out on the table and pulled a pen out of his pocket. “So, we start at eight, but I expect you at seven-thirty because we need to get things prepared for the day. The day ends at four, but we usually stick around for at least a half-hour to clean up. Five days a week Eggy. Be prepared to face snotty kids because well, they’re little. Also, be prepared to play pretend and cleaning up after the most disgusting things. Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, all still exist at Strider’s Day Care. No sharp objects or weapons-including your hammers. Nothing you wouldn’t give a kid or would want near a kids. And that’s about it. I’ll tell you anything else you need to know tomorrow.”

            “Alright, thanks Dave,” John thanked Dave. “You’re a life-saver.”

            “It’s cool bro,” Dave replied. “Oh and no swearing. Parents don’t like it when kids run around their house yelling ‘fuck’. Karkat accidentally said it once after a kid dropped a heavy rock on his foot. That kid doesn’t go to our Day Care anymore.”

            “No swearing, got it,” John quickly scribbled that note down. “And while I’m thinking about it, Vriska’s thinking about getting a job. Do you have any suggestions?”

            “I have room for another helper,” Dave stated.

            “Day Care? I don’t think Vriska would want a job at Day Care,” John informed Dave.

            “Yo Dave you got an open position at your human ‘Day Care’ thing?” Vriska asked bursting through the side door.

            “You wanna take care of kids for nine hours a day?” Dave question Vriska.

            “That long?” Vriska groaned.

            “We come in early then get off early,” Dave explained.

            “Oh,” Vriska thought.

            “So you really want it?” Dave asked.

            “I don’t know of anything else to do,” Vriska shrugged.

            “It’s yours,” Dave gave Vriska the job to the shock of John. “John has the details. I’ll explain the rest tomorrow. Wait except for one thing, no violence.”

            “I promise I won’t be violent,” Vriska sighed.

            “No weapons,” Dave added. “Weapons include those dice Terezi and Karkat told me about.”

            “Fuh-ine,” Vriska sighed.

            “Cool, let’s go back outside,” Dave announced walking past Vriska and out the side door with apple juice in hand.

            “This is a small house,” Vriska stated before stepping back outside. John shrugged, taking one last look at the guinea pig skull, and left the house.

            As John exited the house, he saw Jade’s car pull up into the drive-way. As Jade parked and stepped out, a reincarnate of Bec jumped out of the passenger’s seat. Jade still has her dog ears though; this Bec was just a clone of the other.

            “Hey guys!” Jade greeted Dave, Vriska, and John.

            “Harley, nice of you to drop by so unexpectedly,” Dave greeted Jade,

            “Nice to see you too coolkid,” Jade said as she gave Dave and light punch in the shoulder. “So John, how are you doing?”

            “Dave just gave me and Vriska a job,” John explained.

            “Well at least you finally got off your lazy ass and finally got around to getting a real job,” Jade congratulated her brother.

            “Being a comedian was a real job,” John argued.

            “No it wasn’t,” Jade replied. “It wasn’t a steady job at least. And you also didn’t go back into the dream of the joke shop.”

            “Yeah, it was too hard in reality to manage a joke shop,” John agreed stuffing his hands into his pockets. “Too hard for me to go through with too.”

            Jade and Dave were silent before Jade looked to Vriska, “It’s good to finally see you Vriska. Welcome to earth if you haven’t gotten that already.”

            “Actually, I haven’t,” Vriska informed Jade.

            “So who joined the merry band of guest ready to tread their dirty feet across my house?” Karkat asked as he joined everyone on the driveway next the house.

            “I smell dog fur, must be Jade!” Terezi declared as she followed Karkat.

The Mayor followed Terezi and was quickly tackled with sloppy kisses from Bec. No one knows why but Bec had become over-attached to the Mayor, getting very excited whenever he was around. The Mayor, however, was not a dog person so as soon as Bec began to lick his face, the Mayor began to run away like a child which inclined Bec to think that he was playing and chased after the carapace.

“Hey guys!” Jade greeted the two trolls who were left behind the house.

“You need to work on the garden?” Karkat asked Jade.

            “No,” Jade replied. “I actually wanted to ask you two something.”

            “This doesn’t sound good,” Terezi sighed.

            “Why us?” Karkat asked quickly.

            “Because Dave’s a bird person, John’s a rabbit person, and Rose is a cat person,” Jade explained.

            “This sounds ever worse than I imagined,” Terezi groaned.

            “It’s nothing big,” Jade argued.

            “We’ll leave you too it,” Dave insisted upon. “John and Vriska, you should total see the sound system I hooked the backyard up with.”

            “Why do you need a sound system?” John asked as Dave began to push the human and troll away from the conversation between Jade, Terezi and Karkat.

            “For parties,” Dave insisted.

            “When are you going to have a party? We have all of our parties at Rose and Kanaya’s place. And you live in a small quite neighborhood,” John argued with this logic.

            “Well maybe sound systems are cool and we have to save the Mayor from Bec,” Dave explained glancing at the Mayor running around their yard as he was chase by a white blur before looking overt to the basketball hoop placed to the side of the driveway. “Or we can shoot some hoops.”

            “Shooting hoops?” Vriska asked. “Wouldn’t it be hard to shoot an object that was just a rim without a center? Or is this some stupid human term?”

            “Let’s teach Vriska about basketball,” Dave ultimately decided upon.

            As Dave forced John to help him teach Vriska about basketball, Jade was explaining to Karkat and Terezi about a very touchy subject.

            “So what do you need us to do?” Karkat sighed as he leaned against the house.

            “A dog came in a couple days ago to the Humane Society,” Jade explained. “He’s a really good dog, very well-behaved and knows millions of tricks. He was a police dog beforehand.”

            “So what happened?” Terezi asked.

            “He injured his leg,” Jade explained. “Badly. He won’t ever be able to walk right again. The other workers are afraid he’ll never get adopted because of his leg. I know that I can get him a sort of doggy-crutch to help him walk but he’ll still need a lot of help moving up and downstairs, getting inside and outside. I would do it but my apartment only allows one large dog or two small dogs, and Bec is one large dog.”

            “So you want us to adopt this dog?” Karkat derived.

            “His name is Gilbert and he’s a German Shepard, a real tough dog, very sweet, very well-behaved, a very lovely dog over all. He won’t need any training, but he’ll need help to get outside to do his business and exercise.”

            “You know we have jobs all day?” Karkat reminded Jade.

            “Yes, and he’ll be fine. Just let him out before you leave and when you come home let him out again,” Jade explained. “And Dave will help too; I know that even though he isn’t big on dogs. And I’ll even come over every day to help you get used to having a dog around. So please, if you could just adopt Gilbert.”

            “Why are you asking me? I’m blind,” Terezi asked Jade.

            “I know you don’t need it but Gilbert is also a registered seeing-eye dog as well as a police dog,” Jade explained to Terezi. “So I thought that would make him perfect for you two.”

            Terezi and Karkat looked at each other before looking back at Jade. Karkat could see that Jade was ready to bust out the kicked puppy look and Terezi could smell the fake tears starting to form.

            “Fine,” they both sighed at the same time.

            “Thank-you guys, a lot,” Jade began to thank them. “I think Gilbert will like it here. The yard isn’t big but the neighborhood is. And you guys will like Gilbert too, he’s such a sweetie.”

            “As long as he doesn’t chase the mayor around like your barkbeast,” Karkat pointed out.

            “Oh, right,” Jade had forgotten about Bec ‘playing’ with the Mayor. She put her fingers to her mouth and whistled, calling Bec to her. Bec trotted up to her with tongue lopping at the side of his mouth looking like he was quite happy with himself after chasing the Mayor around. The Mayor, on the other hand, looked quite relived to be free of Bec, and sat on the ground to watch Dave, John and Vriska shoot hoops.             “Bec, no chasing people,” Jade scolded Bec. His ears dropped for a second but forgot when he saw the stray basketball rolling towards him. He pounced just as Dave was coming over to grab it.

            “So what’s the verdict?” Dave asked the three of them.

            “We’re getting a barkbeast,” Karkat sighed.

            “His name is Gilbert and he has an injured leg,” Jade explained to Dave.

            “Please don’t go repeating an animal cruelty commercial,” Dave pleaded.

            “No, he was a police dog and he hurt himself in the line of work,” Jade explained.

            “Oh, okay. That’s better than other animal sob stories,” Dave replied.

            “Dave! Pass the ball back! I still haven’t creamed Egbert enough!” Vriska called for the ball.

            “You- _huh_ -just- _huh_ -learned- _huh_ -basketball- _huh_ -today- _huh_ ,” John wheezed. “I need- _huh_ -my inhaler.”

            “Take five Egberto, I’ll avenger you!” Dave informed John passing the ball to Vriska who caught it. “Sorry to leave so soon but I have to get my head in the game.”

            Jade chuckled but the trolls didn’t understand the joke. John probably would have laughed if he wasn’t metaphorically dying on the ground next to the Mayor who had gotten up to grab his can of Tab. To try to help, the Mayor poured the can of Tab over John’s head to cool him down though the Tab was now room-temperature.

            “If you could head over to the humane society tomorrow, that would be great,” Jade told Karkat and Terezi. “Any time during my work day would be good.”

            “Alright,” Karkat agreed. “But since you came down here, do you want a bit to eat?”

            “Of course, I would never miss a chance to have some of your cuisine,” Jade informed Karkat with a small laugh.

            “I’m sorry for trying to mix troll and human food together. It was never meant to be,” Karkat growled as he opened the door.

            “It’s okay,” Jade answered stepping inside. “We better bring John in so he doesn’t die.”

            “I’m better- _huh_ -now,” John sighed sitting up his face sticky with Tab. “Though a shower would be nice.”

            “The Mayor was just trying to help,” Dave argued.

            “This feels like high school all over again,” John added as he stood up and Dave took a shot at getting a basket. The ball swished into the net like a rainbow forming in the sky.

            “Why do you humans even put your young through that obscene torture palace of horrors?” Karkat asked.

            “To prepare for our futures,” Jade informed Karkat.

            “Jade, Karkat and I both went there for one year and we still don’t understand why humans make their public school-feeding so hard,” Terezi told Jade. Jade just shrugged and went inside. Karkat, Terezi, Bec, John and the Mayor all trickled into the house leaving Dave and Vriska outside.

            “Let’s go inside and get a bite to eat before I beat you,” Dave informed Vriska.

            “You can try,” Vriska scoffed dropping the basketball.

            “That’s no way to treat your future employer,” Dave informed Vriska. “Also, how are you so good at basketball?”

            “We have a sport pretty similar to this back on Alternia,” Vriska explained. “Though to get the ball to the hoop you had to hop on rocks over boiling lava.”

            “Sounds like stupid extreme stuff I would have done when I was younger,” Dave replied before a moment of silence. “Who are we kidding; I would do stupid extreme stuff like that right now if I could!”

           “Let’s just grab a bite to eat,” Vriska stated and as they went into the house Vriska exclaimed, “Actually, if you want to learn more about the Alternia sport of human basketball. He used to play.”             “What happened?” Dave asked because he hadn’t heard this story before.

            “Sollux kicked his butt and he got injured so he never played again,” Vriska answered before stepping into the house.

            The next day at seven-thirty sharp, John Egbert’s car rolled up into the parking lot in front of Strider’s Day Care with both John and Vriska in the car. There was a parking lot both in front and behind the Day Care, but Dave instructed John to use the back. In the back parking lot there was Dave’s car, a rusting car, and an old boat.

            John and Vriska had to walk around to the front where the door was actually unlocked. Dave locked the back door for safety reasons. When they entered the clear front door, they came into the long corridor stretching to the back of the building only blocked by the large front desk. In front of the front desk on the right wall was a set of double doors locked open to a cheery room filled with the bright light of the rising sun and a crazy amount of toys that could cure the greediness of a spoiled rich kid. Dave was leaning behind the front desk scribbling down some information as the Mayor spun in the desk chair behind him.

            “Wow, you arrived on time,” Dave looked up.

            “What would you expect, it’s our first day!” John replied, every bit of a cheery morning person.

            “He dragged me out of bed,” Vriska groaned.

“Let me show you around the joint. As you can see through these double doors is the playroom. Cubbies for all the kid’s shit is in there along with the entrance to the bathrooms. This is where we spend most of our day.”

            Dave then began to give the tour of the whole place. Behind the front desk was the door to the break room. Dave explained that he never actually got to use the break room before because he was pretty busy playing with kids and making sure that they didn’t kill each other. On the left side of the hallway, were the doors to the infirmary and a storage room filled with extra toys. On the right side of the hallway were doors to the snack room and the kitchen. The snack room was connected to the play room, and the kitchen connected to the snack room.

            “Just some quick safety procedures,” Dave began to explain as they stood in the snack room, a room filled with small tables that went up to a full-grown adult’s knee lined with chairs that looked like they belonged in a dollhouse. “This is where we go if there’s a tornado. We also come in here if there’s a lock down. Vriska, that means that a bad and crazy guy comes in here trying to kill everyone. If there’s a fire we just have to try to get everyone out as fast as he can. You can open all the windows and start getting kids out that way if the fire’s in the hallway, but realistically, the fire would end up either being in the kitchen of the break room. Got that?”

            “Yeah,” John answered. “And if there’s a crazy dude that comes in to try and kill us all do we call the police of do we attack him?”

            “I’d say call the police but we’re all gods and can kick butt,” Dave answered. “So in the end, call the police first then kick butt.”

            “Alright, now what?” Vriska asked because apparently the tour was over.

            “Go to the front desk and wait for parents to drop off their kids,” Dave announced. He left the snack room, so John and Vriska really had no choice but to follow him.

            Dave then stationed himself at the front desk in the spinning chair the Mayor had abandoned for the break room. John and Vriska awkwardly stood around the desk waiting for instruction from Dave but he didn’t say anything.

            “You guys can go wait in the play room,” Dave announced. “I’ll sit here and sign everyone in. You two just have to make sure that the kids don’t get into fights and if they need help or if they want you to play with them you go ahead and do that.”

            “Alright,” Vriska answered so she and John walked into the play room.

            The play room was a large colorful room filled with light and small furniture. The room was neatly sectioned off to fit the needs of the kids: an area of tables near the back for crafts, a part of the room that had a small plastic playscape for the kids to play on, a large chest filled with costumes for dress-up, a corner of the room filled with books for reading, and shelves filled with bins filled with toys.

            “I didn’t know Dave could be neat,” John exclaimed as he was looking through the labeled colorful bins on one of the walls.

            “There are too many large blocks,” Vriska looked through a bin of colorful cardboard blocks with a brick pattern on them.

            “This kinda looks like fun,” John stated as he looked around the room. “It’ll be like kindergarten all over again!”

            “Kindergarten? That sounds kinda dangerous,” Vriska replied looking through the dress-up bin. “Oo! Pirates!”

            “Wow, that is actually a lot of cool stuff,” John noted as he came over to check on the dress-up bin. “Noodle swords!”

            “Yo!” Dave called from the other room. “Don’t mess with my noodle swords!”

            John put the blue noodle sword he picked up down and continued to walk around the room. He walked around and finally found a large cabinet filled with old VHS’s like Blue’s Clues and Bear in the Big Blue House.

            “What’s this black box thing?” Vriska asked pulling out one of the VHS’s.

            “Ancient form of media distribution,” John replied. “But why does Dave have so many?”

            “I play them so the kids can calm down and learn shit,” Dave declared poking his head into the room. “Don’t touch them. All vintage, very valuable, only I can touch them,” Dave paused to turn his head towards the door. “Oh, someone’s coming in. Places people!”

            “What are we supposed to do?” John called back.    

            “Act natural!” Dave shouted back as he sat down in the front desk. “They can smell fear!”

            John rolled his eyes while Vriska asked, “Can human spawn actually smell fear?”

            “No,” John answered as the door opened and a ball rang to accompany it. “Thought I wish Dave would have told us what acting natural was.”

            A few seconds later a small boy with black hair was followed by a large boy with auburn hair ran into the room laughing and with large smiles on their faces. To them, Day Care was a magical place filled with toys they hadn’t seen before. The two boys didn’t seem to notice john and Vriska, but the two adults were put into an awkward position because they did not know the boys’ names.

            “Yo, John, Vriska,” Dave poked his head into the playroom again. “This is Peter and Ty. Peter, Ty, this is John and Vriska, my new helpers. John’s the human and Vriska’s the troll. Are we all cool? Alright.”

            Dave disappeared as the black-haired boy ran up to John and Vriska.

            “So you’re a troll like Officer Vantas?” the black-haired boy asked Vriska.

            “Yes,” Vriska replied. “And you are?”

            “Peter,” the small boy replied before running off to play with his friend or brother Ty. They were already digging into the toys because they probably knew the room like the back of their hand. The two of them had pulled out the superhero action figures and started to play.

            “I guess we just have to wait for everyone else to come along before we have to do anything,” John told Vriska as the doorbell rang. One by one, kids began to come in and spread out to play with toys. Dave poked his head and introduced each one: Jacob, Thea, Nick, Lion, Oliver, Franklin, Hazel, Grant, Rena, Linus, Piper, and dozens of others. Some came with warnings like Jacob who always seemed to get hit in the head with some type of object everyday, Grant who tried to eat the paper plates and other objects, or Oliver who always caused problems. Others were just introduced with names and sometimes the kid would come up and say hello to John and Vriska who were just sitting back for the moment and watching the room slowly becoming a mess.

            “Annie’s the last one,” Dave announced as he walked into the room as the Mayor followed behind him. The Mayor abandoned Dave as he was called over to build a fort out of the cardboard bricks with some of the kids.

            “So this is Day Care,” John sighed. “What are we supposed to do exactly? We don’t need to do anything.”

            “Hey Vriska!” Peter came up to Vriska. “You wanna play pirates with us!”

            “You read my mind,” Vriska replied. “Of course!”

            “Awesome!” Peter ran back to his friends surrounding the dress-up bin with his arms in the air. He stumbled on the way back but he didn’t seem to care.

            Vriska began to head over towards the dress-up bin but Dave stopped her, “Nothing to hard. Keep it kid-friendly and just go along with the story.”

            “I got it. Keep it for wrigglers,” Vriska replied and joined the kids over at the dress-up bin. Peter handed Vriska a pirate hat and a noodle sword and the adventure began.

            “That is what we do at Day Care,” Dave explained turning to John. “We keep the kids entertained and happy. We also teach them shit from time to time. Like colors, numbers, letter, easy things. But the main point is to keep them happy.”

            “Ah, okay,” John replied.

            “Why don’t you go and color with the kids,” Dave instructed John pointing over to the tables filled with pieces of printer paper, crayons, and coloring books.

            “Is there a superhero coloring book?” John questioned.

            “I got like twenty of them,” Dave replied.

            “Alright,” John agreed and went to go and color with a group of kids. He had to kneel at the tables though because he didn’t fit in the chairs.

            The day seemed to progress quickly as Vriska and John were pulled back into the world of little kids. There were things to be colored, games to play, and messes to be cleaned. It wasn’t until about snack time when they finally got a break.

            “How do you do this?” John asked Dave as they stood back in the snack room and watched the kids eat their graham crackers and apple juices.

            “You get used to it,” Dave answered. “And a good night’s sleep.”

            “Right,” Vriska took note and leaned back. “But for the record, I don’t think I have ever had so much fun in my life.”

            “True,” John agreed. “It’s nice to be like a kid again.”

            Dave grunted in agreement at that statement.

            As the kids were eating the snack, a police car was pulling into the back of the Day Care.

            “It looks like Vriska hasn’t burned the place down yet,” Karkat grunted as he parked the car in the back.

            “Put more trust in Vriska,” Terezi replied. “Death has changed her. I can smell it on her.”

            “When I will believe that Vriska’s changed when I see with my own two eyes Vriska riding a unicorn on a rainbow while it rains candy and flowers,” Karkat growled. “And there will also be a flying pig there just to follow the human saying that is similar to this one.”

            “I don’t think I have ever heard anyone say that Karkat,” Terezi disagreed.

            “Well, who cares?” Karkat replied. “I should just go in to check on Dave like I was doing in the first place.”

            “And drop off his lunch,” Terezi reminded him shoving the McDonalds bag in his face.

            “Right, that too,” Karkat agreed.

            “But before you go in,” Terezi began. “What would you think if I said that I should become a masked vigilante like Dare Devil?”

            “I would say that you were and ass-shitting footfucking incredible grubfisting dickprincess,” Karkat answered.

            “I want to become a masked vigilante,” Terezi informed Karkat.

            “You’re an ass-shitting footfucking incredible grubfisting dickprincess,” Karkat replied and tried to get out of the car before the insanity could continue.

            “No but think about it,” Terezi stopped Karkat by grabbing onto his wrist. “I would have a really cool costume and I would patrol the night for evil-doers and bring justice to them. When I was needed they would light a Libra signal up into the sky. And you can even be my partner!”

            Karkat just glared at Terezi, wriggled his hand out of her hold, and got out of the car. He began to walk away but came back a few seconds later.

            “I forgot Dave’s lunch,” Karkat announced snatching the McDonalds bag off his seat. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

            “What? I would never do anything foolish or childish Karkat,” Terezi replied modestly.

            “The last time I left you in the car alone to go in and talk to Dave you drove the car into a tree,” Karkat sighed.

            “You must be mistaken I have never done that,” Terezi answered pretending to be taken aback by Karkat’s statement.

            “That was last week Terezi,” Karkat sighed. “You can’t drive!”

            “If I believe enough I can,” Terezi replied. “Or if I stick my head out of the side window and let my tongue wave in the wind.”

            Karkat glared at Terezi again and slammed the door shut. He walked all the way to the front of the building and entered. The bell on the door rang as he came in. further down the hallway a door opened and John came out.

            “Hi Karkat!” John cheerily greeted Karkat running down the hallway to greet his buddy. “What are you doing here?”

            “Dave wanted me to bring him lunch,” Karkat stated dropping the McDonalds bag onto the front desk.

            “I’ll tell him that you’re here,” John replied but Dave was right behind him so John crashed into his friend and boss.

            “I know he’s here Eggy,” Dave replied. “No one else comes in during the middle of the day.”

            “Okay,” John took in the new information.

            “I’ve released the kids back into the play room,” Dave announced. “Some kids want you to play dinosaurs with them.”

            “Okay,” John began to head back into the play room that was full of kids. “Bye Karkat!”

            John disappeared and Dave and Karkat where left alone in the hallway.

            “Thanks for the lunch babe,” Dave thanked Karkat as he rummaged through the bag.

            “You’re welcome,” Karkat replied. “How’s Vriska doing?”

            “Wonderful,” Dave answered. “She was playing pirates with some of the kids earlier.”

            “How many casualties?” Karkat then asked.

            “None,” Dave replied. “She’s actually pretty good with the kids.”

            Karkat just grunted in reply before Dave took his hand.

            “Where are you off to next?” Dave asked as he used his free hand to stuff a Big Mac in his mouth.

            “First off, don’t talk with your mouth open,” Karkat informed Dave.

            “Never happening,” Dave answered in the midst of chewing.

            “And second off, we’re headed to the Humane Society to pick up the dog Jade wanted us to adopt,” Karkat explained.

            “Ah so Terezi’s in the car,” Dave figured out after swallowing the bite of Big Mac he was chewing.

            “Yes,” Karkat answered.

            They were silent for a moment as Dave chewed his food but then Dave stated after swallowing, “Have I ever told you how cute you look in your police uniform?”

            “Everyday,” Karkat answered blushing a bit even though he heard that from Dave ever time he put his work clothes on.

            “Good,” Dave replied. “So I bet you need to get going.”

            “Yeah, I don’t want to leave Terezi in the car too long,” Karkat answered. Dave leaned in for a quick goodbye kiss then pulled away.

            “Have fun with the new dog,” Dave stated letting go of Karkat’s hand.

            “Alright, bye,” Karkat said goodbye with a small smile on his face.

            “Bye,” Dave replied as Karkat left. Dave finished his lunch and went back into the playroom to continued playing.

            The day dragged on for another three hours or so until all of the kids were picked up. Peter and Ty were the last to be picked up and then it was time to clean up. The clean up process went quick with four people and the day was soon over.

            “So, how was the first day?” Dave asked as they all got their coats on to leave.

            “Fun,” Vriska summed up in one word.

            “I actually can’t wait to come back to work tomorrow,” John answered. “Which is something I never thought would happen.”

            “Good,” Dave laughed. “See you two tomorrow, same time.”

            “Alright, bye Dave!” John bid goodbye to Dave as he and Vriska left the building.

            Dave locked up and left with the Mayor. When he arrived home, Jade’s car was in the drive-way and everyone was outside. Dave went into the backyard to find a German Shepard with a crooked hind-leg that also had a wheel on it.

            “So this is Gilbert,” Dave said as he made his presence known. Gilbert walked up to Dave with his little wheeling leg to smell Dave and lick his hand.

            “Yep,” Jade answered. “So what do you think Dave?”

            “He’s pretty nice,” Dave squatted so he could get a better look at Gilbert. Instead, he got a wet tongue on his face.

            Karkat and Jade laughed as Gilbert walked away from Dave no longer interested in his wet face but walked over to Karkat.

            “For some reason the bark beast has taken an interest in Karkat,” Terezi stated walking over to help Dave off the ground.

            “So do you have everything for him? Like a leash and food and all that stuff?” Dave asked.

            “Yeah, we stopped at Pet Smart and I made sure that they had everything,” Jade answered while Karkat picked up a ball off the ground and threw it across the yard for Gilbert. Gilbert couldn’t exactly run with the wheel but he did his best to get to the ball fast enough.

            “So will Gilbert have that wheel forever?” Dave asked.

            “No, I’m planning on actually making a new leg for him,” Jade answered. “But that means that we’ll have to amputate his broken one.”

            “Ouch. How expensive?” Dave then asked.

            “I would pay for it,” Jade replied.

            “Cool,” Dave stated and watched as Terezi and Karkat took turns throwing the ball for Gilbert. “Gilbert seems to like Karkat and Terezi.”

            “Yeah, he’s a dog. He knows good people when he sees them,” Jade explained.

            “What am I not a good person?” Dave asked pretending to be shocked.

            “He licked your face. That counts,” Jade laughed. “Well I have to go home and feed Bec.”

            “You don’t want to stay for dinner?” Dave asked.

            “Next time,” Jade promised. “But yeah, how were John and Vriska at Day Care?”

            “They did great,” Dave answered.

            “From what I heard about Vriska from everyone I would have thought that someone would have been hurt,” Jade expressed her thoughts.

            “Well it seems not,” Dave explained. “It may just be a day for new beginnings.”


	3. Time to Insult Dave's eBay Purchases!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Character Day at Day Care, John and Vriska go on a date while Dave, Terezi, Karkat and the Mayor go to Kanaya and Rose's Mansion for dinner. However, Dave goes to dinner dressed up as Steve from Blue's Clues and that and his other weird purchases off of eBay are discussed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Tumblr: http://sniperdoodle.tumblr.com/
> 
> Dedicated to Blue's Clues, rest in peace, the greatest show from my childhood (excluding the seasons with Joe).

            It was the end of another day at Day Care. Like every other day before it in the previous month, the four workers spent the day entertaining the patrons and maybe even taught them something new. However, today was different in the way that could only be expressed through Dave’s thought at the end of that specific day.

            “Another successful Character Day,” Dave sighed after Peter and Ty left the building with their guardian. Dave. At the moment, was dressed as Steve from Blue’s Clues. He didn’t bother dying his hair but he wore a green striped shirt, tan pants, brown shoes, and was carrying around a Handy Dandy Notebook.

            “Why do you even have this day?” John asked Dave. John was dressed as a young Obi Wan Kenobi, a costume he had lying around from the previous Halloween. John also didn’t wear a wig, and he sadly did not have the Padiwan braid. Dave also told him he couldn’t bring his lightsaber that glowed and made lightsaber noises.

            “So kids have a chance to dress-up. Halloween isn’t until later in the year and dressing up is fun,” Dave replied.

            “Everything’s clean,” Vriska proclaimed stepping out of the play room. She was wearing a pirate outfit, more elaborate than the one she was usually handed when the kids wanted to play pirates. She had pirate coat, pirate boots, pirate hat, eye-patch, hook hand, and John fashioned to her shoulder with a parrot that squawked when you pressed a button. “Some of them actually cleaned up.”

            “That’s new,” Dave said surprised.

            “Annie probably told them too,” John laughed. “She’s pretty smart for her age.”

            “Yep,” Dave agreed before looking to the Mayor who instead as dressing up at the Red Power Ranger. “You hangin’ in buddy?”

            The Mayor gave Dave a thumbs up before returning to spinning around in the desk chair.

            “So is that it?” Vriska asked. “Can we go?”

            “Actually, I wanted to give you something Vriska,” Dave declared as he went around the front desk. “If you didn’t know, you’ve been working here for one month.”

            “Really? Time then really flies by, huh,” Vriska commented. “So what?”

            “Well, within this one month you haven’t killed anyone which is a means for celebration,” Dave stated as he pulled a gift wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper from under the desk.

            “Is this for me?” Vriska asked.

            “Yeah,” Dave pushed it towards Vriska.

            “Why is it wrapped in Christmas paper?” John asked.

            “It’s ironic,” Dave stated.

            John looked at Dave and sighed before walking over to the white board labeled ‘Days Dave Have Gone Without Mentioning Irony’. It was at five, about to break the record, but John wiped it clean and replaced the ‘5’ with a ‘0’.

            John then turned back to Vriska who began to open the gift. When she was done, she discarded the wrapping paper which revealed a shitty plastic pirate sword.

            “What’s this?” Vriska asked.

            “A shitty plastic pirate sword,” Dave declared. “It even makes shitty plastic pirate sword noises.”

            Vriska pressed the button on the hilt and the sword echoed a clanging noises that would be made when sword crash into each other.

            “This is actually pretty cool,” Vriska realized.

            “I know,” Dave agreed.

            “Do I get something?” John asked.

            “No,” Dave answered. “I can trust you not to kill anyone.”

            John stuck his tongue out at Dave as Vriska ripped the plastic pirate sword of the cardboard back. The sword was pretty small because it was meant for a six-year old but Vriska began to swing it around like an expert.

            “I like it,” Vriska proclaimed.

            “Good,” Dave laughed. “I’ll let you use during the day.”

            “Really?” Vriska asked surprised.

            “Oh come on!” John groaned. “You wouldn’t let me bring my lightsaber today!”

            “That’s because your lightsaber is life-sized while the pirate sword it kid-sized,” Dave proclaimed. “But enough about that. Time to wrap it up. Don’t you two have to go on a date?”

            “Yes,” John and Vriska answered at the same time. Vriska answered as though it wasn’t a big deal while John began to blush and scratch his neck awkwardly.

            “Where are you two going?” Dave began to ask noticing how uncomfortable John was when talking about the date planned.

            “John’s insisting that I try this human food called ‘Chinese’ and then we’re going to watch National Treasure,” Vriska answered.

            “Hhm, Chinese and a movie. That sounds nice,” Dave declared as the four workers left the building. Dave locked the door before they began to walk to the back where the cars were parked.

            “What are you doing Dave?” John asked Dave to move off the subject.

            “Karkat, Terezi, the Mayor and I are having dinner with Rose and Kanaya,” Dave answered.

            “So it’s a Meteor dinner?” John asked.

            “Yep,” Dave replied as he walked towards his car. “How mad do you think Kanaya would be if I wore my present get-up to dinner?”

            “Very,” Vriska replied.

            “Good,” Dave got in his car with the Mayor and drove away.

            “I hope he’s alive tomorrow,” John stated before he and Vriska climbed in his car and drove away.

            Later in the evening, dinner plans were coming along nicely as Dave parked his car into the driveway of Lalonde Mansion. Karkat was in shotgun while Terezi and the Mayor were in the back. The Mayor had changed out of his Power Ranger costume but Dave was still dressed as Steve.

            “Kanaya is going to kill you,” Karkat stated as he looked at Dave again.

            “She can try,” Dave argued.

            “What is it with you aggravating Kanaya?” Terezi asked.

            “She’s my sister-in-law,” Dave stated.

            “That makes no sense,” Karkat sighed.

            “It isn’t supposed to,” Dave answered.

            “Let’s just head inside,” Terezi reminded everyone. “Kanaya and Rose are probably looking through the window wondering why we’re taking so long to get out of the car.”

            “I will let them have that liberty Terezi,” Dave answered.

            “Let’s just go in,” Karkat sighed. They all filed out of the car and walked up to the door. Kanaya opened the front door just as Karkat set one foot on the front step.

            “Welcome,” Kanaya said through the doorway.

            “You were watching from the window, weren’t you?” Karkat asked as he removed his coat and entered the house.

            “Nonsense,” Kanaya dismissed it as Terezi and the Mayor came in. they exchanged greetings and Dave was the last one through. Kanaya then asked slightly appalled, “Dave, what are you wearing?”

            Dave smirked as he entered the house but did not happen to answer.

            “Clothes,” Dave answered back. “It’s not like I can own a Day Care and walk around in my birthday suit Kanaya. Scandalous.”

            “Are you thinking about pursuing a career in children entertainment Dave?” Rose teased her brother as he entered the dinning room.

            “Don’t diss the threads Rose,” Dave began. “I paid high price for these on EBay. Authentically worn by Steve Burns himself.”

            “Have you ever tried stalking Dave? I think that you would be good at it,” Rose retorted.

            “If you’re trying to say that it’s ridiculous, it’s not,” Dave answered. “After all I’ve been wearing these shades my whole life and they were worn by Ben Stiller. Why haven’t you called me a stalker up until now?”

            “Because John bought those shades you love as a birthday present. You yourself bought the clothes,” Rose explained. “And Steve Burns was the host of an interactive children’s show that had to do with a magical blue puppy, talking inanimate objects, and a scavenger hunt.”

            “Don’t you dare talk about Blue’s Clues like that,” Dave threatened Rose taking a seat across from her at the table.

            “Why, must I ask, are you wearing those clothes?” Kanaya asked Dave studying the clothes he had bought.

            “It was character day at preschool,” Dave explained. “So I was Steve from Blue’s Clues.”

            “Why are you still wearing the clothes if it was just a costume?” Kanaya continued the interrogation.

            “They make me feel good about myself so don’t judge me,” Dave lied.

            “They are still completely ridiculous,” Kanaya began to give her synopsis on Dave’s clothing choice. “The tan pants and the striped green shirt do not exactly compliment each other and it was not fit for you. I would be a bit lenient if you had removed your shades because the green shirt would have complimented your eyes but you always refused to take off your sunglasses so that would be futile.”

            “And I don’t want to walk around looking like a fucking Charlie Brown Christmas tree,” Dave also added. “There’s only a skinny pathetic tree and a couple red ornaments on it.”

            “So are you calling yourself pathetic?” Rose asked Dave.

            “No where the fuck did that come from Rose?” Dave replied.

            “Well you just compared yourself to a Charlie Brown Christmas tree in the case that you were walking around with that shirt on and your sunglasses off. As you elaborated on the image you explained yourself as a ‘skinny pathetic tree’. That means that you think yourself as pathetic,” Rose explained.

            “Well I am not pathetic I was trying to make people image the Charlie Brown Christmas tree,” Dave began. “Because if I do say so myself, I am pretty fucking awesome.”

            “Have I heard this conversation before?” Terezi asked Karkat on the sidelines.

            “Probably,” Karkat sighed because in just about every conversation Dave and Rose had. Rose would pull so physiological bullshit on Dave and Dave would deny every saying anything that Rose was able to turn on him even though he said it just a few seconds ago. “So are we eating or just watching Dave and Rose argue amongst themselves like a couple of douchecrumpet flying pathetic fucks?”

            “So Karkat do you think that your boyfriend is pathetic?” Rose then asked Karkat.

            Karkat just looked at Rose with narrow eyes as Rose smirked and flipped her off.

            “Well Karkat has a point,” Dave began.

            “That you’re pathetic?” Rose questioned.

            “Low,” Dave replied. “But I’m hungry. Are we going to eat?”

            As dinner was finally set out at the Lalonde-Maryam Household, over at John’s house a serious conversation was perspiring during John and Vriska’s first date.

            “Sticks?” Vriska questioned holding the chopsticks in her hands. “You’re supposed to eat ‘Chinese’ with sticks?”

            “Yeah,” John answered laughing at Vriska’s confusion. “You have to hold them a certain way so you can pick up the food.”

            “But,” Vriska tried to comprehend the two small wooden sticks she was holding in her hands. “They aren’t sharp.”

            “That’s not the point, you just squeeze the food in between the two sticks using one hand to hold both of them,” John explained. “It takes a long time to master.”

            “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard and I have had to work with some of the stupidest people in the whole world!” Vriska exclaimed in exasperation. Vriska stood up and threw the chopsticks away to get a fork from the kitchen, “Why can’t you eat Chinese with a normal utensil!?”

            “Because the Chinese used chopsticks way back then,” John tried to explain as Vriska sat down.

            “So you mean the food used chopsticks to eat themselves?” Vriska interpreted.

            “No the Chinese are a race of people,” John informed Vriska.

            “We’re eating people?” Vriska asked.

            “No the food is called Chinese because the people called Chinese made this food,” John fully explained.

            “So are you Chinese?” Vriska questioned John.

            “No I’m American,” John corrected Vriska. “So are Rose, Jade, Dave and anyone who lives here.”

            “Then why are they called Chinese?” Vriska became confused again.

            “Because they live in China,” John added.

            “Where’s China?” Vriska asked.

            “Asia,” John answered.

            “Where are we?” Vriska questioned.

            “America,” John replied.

            “And where is America?” Vriska continued.

            “North America,” John tried to finish up the explanation. “That is on the planet earth.”

            “So are there an East, South and West America too?” Vriska asked.

            “There’s only a South America,” John answered.

            “Why?” Vriska asked.

            “Because to the west of North America is Europe, and to the east is Asia,” John explained.

            “But why is it called South America?” Vriska was thoroughly confused.

            “I don’t know,” John protested. “I’m not the history buff! Next time we see Dave, ask him. He had the degree in History.”

            “Why does he have a college degree in history if he runs a Day Care?” Vriska asked.

            “Because he’s Dave,” John replied getting tired of all the questions. He now knew how Rose and Dave felt when the trolls were first introduced to human culture when they came back to Earth.

            “Good enough,” Vriska shrugged and finally began to eat her Chinese food with a fork. John looked down at the chopsticks in his hand and got up to throw them away and grab a fork as well. Chopsticks were stupid.

            After dinner, John and Vriska began to watch National Treasure for the umpteenth time in their lives. It was an overall successful first date. Any reader may think that it would have been interesting but they were really just fangirling over Nic Cage for the rest of the date.

            Back at the Meteor Dinner, dinner was over. Kanaya, Karkat and Terezi had gone into a different room to talk about troll things.

            “I always wonder what Kanaya, Karkat and Terezi have to talk about,” Rose wondered out loud to Dave.

“Let the trolls talk about troll things,” Dave stated as he poured himself some apple juice. “And we can talk about human things.”

            “What human thinks are there to talk about?” Rose asked her brother.

            “Things like how I’m thinking about growing a beard,” Dave proclaimed.

            “My, bold move for your future,” Rose answered. “And what made you think about growing a whimsical beard?”

            “Nothin’ too long, short and clean, kinda like Kris Kringle had in Santa Claus is Coming To Town when his hair was still red,” Dave proclaimed rubbing his stubbly chin with one hand. “I’m not thinking about growing a wizard beard here Rose, no matter what you think.”

            “Dave I would never tell you what to do with your face,” Rose answered. “But while we’re on the subject of hair.”

            “Please tell me you’re not planning on growing a wizard beard,” Dave groaned.

            Rose smirked and asked, “What made you think that I had the capability of growing facial hair David? I was simply going to say that I was thinking about growing my hair out.”

            “Kanaya gonna like that?” Dave asked taking another sip of apple juice.

            “I would think that she would be more upset about your plans for facial hair,” Rose informed Dave. “Considering what she said about your shirt today.”

            “I don’t care what the fashion police have to say,” Dave stated. “And besides, my shirt is awesome. 100% authentically worn by Steve himself. Paid a lot of money on eBay to buy this beauty.”

            “You stated that earlier,” Rose stated eyeing Dave’s shirt. “Good to know that you are spending your retirement money wisely.”

            “But anyway, Kanaya can’t catch both of us if we’re both growing out our hair,” Dave proclaimed.

            “Contrary to the popular belief, she can,” Rose gave Dave an important piece of information. “Kanaya’s fashion sense equals the power of a hurricane.”

            “Puh-shaw!” Dave loudly stated as the trolls entered the kitchen.

            “What are we talking about?” Kanaya asked.

            “Nothing interesting dear,” Rose replied.

            “If it was about Dave’s interesting eBay purchases then it’s something interesting,” Terezi informed Rose. “You should see what came in the mail yesterday.”

            “I would rather not know,” Kanaya stated looking at the eBay purchase Dave was wearing.

            “It was moon shoes,” Dave announced. “Moon shoes!”

            “Please don’t tell me you’re trying to relive the nineties brother or else I will personally have to step in and delete your eBay account,” Rose told Dave.

            “Naw I just wanted some moon shoes,” Dave replied. “And they are awesome.”

            “They smelled like pieces of shit,” Terezi added.

            “I still don’t know what moon shoes are,” Karkat grumbled. “But they looked awful.”

            “Are you sure that you can’t intervene with Dave’s eBay purchases now Rose?” Kanaya asked her wife.

            “When he buys something even more ridiculous than the stuffed unicorn head hanging in Can Town then I will step in and do something,” Rose set a limit.

            “There’s _what_ in Can Town?” Karkat asked.

            “Stuffed unicorn head,” Dave explained. “I put it there because you wouldn’t be able to see it.”

            “Well what is it first off?” Karkat asked.

            “A horrible fake head of a unicorn,” Rose explained so Dave didn’t have. “It is made of dirty white felt, wire, googily eyes, and a paper cone. It looks like it was a horrible taxidermy gone wrong and was attacked by a five year-old.”

            “And it smells like rotten eggs mixed with a dead cow covered in manure,” Terezi explained further. “And I’m pretty sure that the Mayor hates it. He hasn’t been in that corner of Can Town ever since Dave put it up. And he threw a can at it once.”

            Over at the other end of the table, the Mayor nodded his head in agreement.

            “It was two dollars on eBay,” Dave added.

            Karkat didn’t say anything but he was secretly plotting to burn the fake unicorn head as soon as he got home.

            “Eh but now that the secret’s out that I bought the creepiest fucking thing on the internet,” Dave began seeming to know what Karkat was thinking. “I’ll just help Karkat burn it when we get home.”

            “Just make sure you don’t light the house on fire,” Kanaya reminded Dave.

            “You’re just angry from last July when I accidentally set your bushes on fire with a rouge firework,” Dave told Kanaya.

            “It’s more like I’m still angry from two Halloween’s ago when you purposely set my bushes on fire,” Kanaya informed Dave.

            “Close enough,” Dave shrugged.

            “Having to call the fire department on holidays really puts a damper on parties,” Terezi commented.

            “Yeah but the fire department’s cool with us now,” Dave tried to expose the good side of the situation. “We know all the names of the firefighters and they’re all on our Christmas card list. I even get a fruitcake or two from the guys for Christmas.”

            “I wouldn’t say that getting a fruitcake for Christmas is a tiding of friendship,” Rose informed Dave.

            “Yeah but I still use the fruitcakes for fire pit bricks,” Dave added.

            “I still have no idea why humans exchange lumps of food bricks on Christmas or why those lumps of food bricks aren’t flammable,” Karkat expressed his confusion.

            “And no one notices that I use them for bricks in the fire pit because I paint the black,” Dave explained. “Bob the Builder would be proud of me. Or at least him in the newest series where they all talk about ‘Reduce, Reuse, Recycle’ all the time.”

            “Either way we’d better get going if we’re going to burn the fake unicorn head,” Karkat looked at his watch. “Thanks for the dinner.”

            “You’re welcome,” Kanaya replied.

            Everyone exchanged goodbyes and then Dave, Karkat, Terezi and the Mayor were on their way home. Once at home, Dave revealed the fake unicorn head to Karkat, and Karkat almost threw up. They went outside, threw the head into the fruitcake firepit and burned it. It was a joyous occasion. Everyone was happy that it was gone, because even if Dave didn’t want to admit it, the unicorn was starting to get on him to.

            Later when the sky was completely black and the coals from the fire lost their glow, Dave was just stepping out of the bathroom and went into the master bedroom, the largest bedroom on the first floor.

            “Watcha doin’?” Dave asked Karkat who was sitting on the bed typing on his laptop.

            “It’s not your business, surprisingly,” Karkat declared as Dave hopped onto the bed.

            “Come on! I wanna know!” Dave pleaded as Gilbert walked into the room. The dog climbed up on the bed put could hop up because of the wheel on the wounded back leg.

            “Gilbert needs your help dude,” Dave informed Karkat. Karkat huffed as he climbed out of bed and placed his laptop on the nightstand to get Gilbert’s hind legs onto the bed. As Karkat did that, Dave picked up his boyfriend’s laptop off the nightstand to see what he was doing.

            “Dave!” Karkat barked as he returned to his side of the bed. He pried the laptop out of Dave’s hands and sat back down in his spot.

            “So you’re writing a novel?” Dave asked using what he saw in the writing.

            “Yes,” Karkat answered before he began to bang on the keys again in an activity he referred to as typing.

            “Is it a romance novel?” Dave asked.

            “It has romance,” Karkat answered.

            “Is it an action/adventure?” Dave questioned.

            “It has action and adventure,” Karkat replied.

            “Is it fantasy?” Dave continued to question.

            “It has fantasy elements,” Karkat answered.

            “Is it sy-fi?” Dave pestered.

            “It has sy-fi elements,” Karkat declared.

            “Does it have tragedy elements?” Dave ended the questions. “Like death?”

            “Yes,” Karkat answered.

            “Is it about your life?” Dave asked.

            “Yes,” Karkat replied. “You just beat me at 20 Question. Congratu-fucking-lations.”

            “I didn’t even asked 20 questions,” Dave informed Karkat. “How do you even know about 20 Questions?”

            “John introduced me to it and I broke his by throwing it against a wall,” Karkat explained. “How the fuck does a plastic sphere know who John Cusack is?”

            Dave shrugged and turned the conversation back to the novel Karkat was writing, “So is it like an auto-biography?”

            “If that is what humans call a story about a person written by the person the story is about then yes,” Karkat replied.

            “What is it called?” Dave continued the stream of questions.

            “Guess,” Karkat challenged Dave.

            “Well it’s you writing about your own life,” Dave mused. “Is it called ‘Fuck My Fucking Life’?”

            “You looked at the title,” Karkat stated.

            “Yes,” Dave confessed.

            “That was a statement not a question,” Karkat informed Dave.

            “So it was,” Dave muttered. “So it was.”

            They were silent for a moment with only the sound of Gilbert panting at the foot of the bed before Dave asked, “Can I read it?”

            “No,” Karkat replied.

            “Why not?” Dave whined.

            “Because,” Karkat insisted. “Did Rose let anyone read her books until she was done?”

            “So you’re planning on blowing Rose’s novels out of the water with your auto-biography?” Dave questioned.

            “No! How did you even come to that conclusion?!” Karkat asked. “I was just using Rose as an example because she is an author! I’m writing because I feel like our story should be known!”

            “Good point,” Dave agreed as he leaned on Karkat’s shoulder. “So can I read it?”

            “No,” Karkat settled on.

            “Dammit,” Dave cursed. “At least tell me how far you are in on your own life?”

            “Still in the middle of Sgrub,” Karkat gave Dave a straight answer.

            They were silent again for a few moments before Dave began to chatter away again.

            “Are you done for tonight?” Dave groaned.

            “Almost done with this sentence,” Karkat proclaimed.

            “Hurry up,” Dave complained.

            “Why?” Karkat questioned.

            “Because,” Dave whined.

            “We are not doing the do,” Karkat informed Dave.

            “You’re a large meanie you know,” Dave sat up and informed Karkat of his present status.

            Karkat rolled his eyes and closed his laptop. He set it on the nightstand and turned off the light on his side of the room before lying down in bed. Karkat then found a comfortable position and pulled the sheets over his shoulders as Dave continued to pester him.

            “Why not?” Dave poked Karkat in the shoulder trying to get an answer out of him.

            “Because,” Karkat replied ending the conversation.

            “Fine, be Mr. Killjoy tonight,” Dave sighed with a fake-anger tone in his voice and turned off the light on his nightstand. He lay down and wrapped his arms around Karkat’s back before nuzzling his face into the small troll’s neck. Dave kissed Karkat’s neck luring the troll to twist around to kiss Dave’s forehead. Karkat noticed that Dave was still wearing his shades, because Dave was a forgetful idiot. Karkat removed the shades and placed them on his own nightstand. Without his shades on, Dave’s freckles were revealed.

            “Goodnight Kitkat,” Dave grumbled with a small smile on his face.

            Karkat smiled and replied, “Goodnight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Beards!


End file.
